Hang On!!!

The rollercoaster is just about at the top of the incline, you can hear some stifled screams coming from the other passengers, some are laughing. I’ve never been on this ride before but I can sense that the drop is going to be terrifying, the dread has been building ever since we’ve started our slow agonizing ascent. I squeeze my eyes shut because I’m convinced that once we teeter over the top all hell is going to break loose…and it does…

My life was a mess.

I was spiraling out of control, devastated by the state of my marriage and the unbelievable cruelty of my husband. I cried every day for six months, sobbing and wailing on the floor in my bathroom. Your brain starts to turn on you when you’re in such dark places, hissing that you’re worthless and that things will never get better. Maybe this life is too hard. Maybe it’s time to end it.

Those are some scary thoughts and having hit rock bottom, to the point where I often thought about running my car into a power pole, I knew I was in trouble.

I started going to a psychologist, much to the dismay of my husband, family and in-laws. I’m going to be honest and say that it didn’t help much. The tools and strategies that I learned were mercilessly mocked and threw my husband into fits of rage. I knew that if I wanted to live, I needed to run. So I did. I left. And I immediately went to my doctor and asked to be put on an anti-depressant.

Having hit the lowest point of the track, the rollercoaster starts to rise again. I wouldn’t see the pattern until years later once I was diagnosed but the highs and lows would become a staple in my life. I would experience tremendous bursts of energy, productivity and happiness (hypomanic behaviour) which would then be followed by debilitating depression. This ride is relentless…

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