Yesterday

Yesterday was a good day. It probably seems silly to write about an ordinary day but for me, they can be few and far between. Sometimes I’m depressed, other days I’m just here – devoid of any real emotion thanks to my medications. But yesterday was a happy day.

Milo, true to form, woke me up precisely at 9:00am by sitting on my head, a gentle little ‘time to get up mummy’. Normally I would groan and roll over, pulling the blankets tight around my head, shooing the dog away. If I’m lucky Darren would normally take him downstairs so I can eek out another half hour of sleep but he’s working away this weekend so it’s up to me to be the one to jump out of bed.

And so I yawn and stretch and see that the sun is shining outside. I can already hear the snow melting, running down the sides of the house. Warmth and sunshine. I pull on some clothes and wander downstairs, keenly aware that I need to get up my post for the day. I feel an obligation to publish the day’s writing between 8:30 – 9:00am. My anxiety won’t have it any other way.

Without Darren home I normally wouldn’t make coffee but it’s a good day so I brew myself a pot and inhale the aroma. I sit at the table and re-read my post ‘But I Don’t Wanna Get Up’ and it feels weird since that wasn’t the case for me today. Satisfied that I don’t have any glaring spelling mistakes or poor grammar, I hit publish and sit there. I scroll through the metrics and see that whoever is checking in from Ireland has already done so this morning. I’ve already had 3 visitors. That makes me smile.

The dog is sitting by the door huffing. It is clearly time to go for a walk. Instead of rolling my eyes and dragging myself to the door, I cheerily call down to Sophia that I’m taking the dog for a walk. All I get from downstairs is a sleepy grunt. So we’re off.

Sometimes if I’m feeling exhausted I do the small loop, tugging the dog along when he wants to sniff around too much, aching to get back home. But today is a good day, sniff all you want Milo! And heck, why don’t we make it a long walk so we can enjoy the chatter of the birds and the melting snow! I love days like this, when the act of walking isn’t a burden. Milo can feel it, he’s bounding around and looking back at me smiling.

Back at home and the Bear is up. She had 3 baby teeth extracted yesterday so she’s sore and grumbly. When I’m feeling good, it’s easier to be a good mummy, caring and warm and I suggest that we go to Marble Slab to have ice cream for breakfast (it’s almost noon). There’s no rules when I’m feeling great and we sit in the car in the sunlight and eat our double fudge ice cream.

The Bear wants to go thrifting and I’m so much more malleable when I’m in a good space so we head over to Value Village and go up and down the clothes racks looking for little deals. Where I would normally feel defeated by my chubby frame, I delight in finding a sweater and a printed top. I’m not feeling good enough to look at any pants but this will suffice. It’s still a win. The Bear easily finds a pile of clothes and we hop off to the cashier. We’re both giggling, this is the quality time that I miss when I’m depressed.

We get home and I’m still feeling energized. It’s not a hypomania as far as I can tell, I don’t feel like I’m buzzing or erratic. I just feel positive and at peace if that makes sense. It’s hard to describe how heavy depression and exhaustion make you feel so when you have energy and pep, you feel light as a feather.

I decide to take Milo out for another lengthy walk and I let him sniff to his heart’s content. The breeze is warm and I soak it in, knowing full well this Chinook is just passing through and that there are still 16 iterations of winter left. The birds chirp their songs and I follow along behind the dog.

We get home and Milo crawls onto the couch exhausted. Normally this would be my cue to go lie down for a bit but I’m inspired to write about how awesome this day is. I pull out my laptop and set up shop beside the dog.

The Bear crawls out of her dungeon, groaning about her science homework. I hate homework. I’m terrible at it. I don’t remember grade 8 science but when she asks me to help, I cheerfully pop over to try and understand what the assignment is. Oh goody, graphs! I can do graphs. Please lord don’t let her ask me any other questions though.

While she plods along, I come back to my laptop and try and capture the day in this post. It’s hard to accurately convey how much this day has meant. There’s been no negatives, no gloomy shroud wrapping around my body. I feel lucky considering the events going on in the Ukraine, my heart is heavy for what is happening over there. But I’m not drowning in sorrow or crying uncontrollably which I could easily do if I was in a depressive cycle. Human suffering gets me so bad. Animals suffering is even worse.

But I look over at my pup who is softly snoring beside me and I smile.

It’s hard to remember how easy and effortless life can be when you live under the cloud of depression so I’m grateful for days like this. It hits home the need to take my medications and to take care of myself. There’s things to do, people to enjoy, memories to be made…

Milo says hi!

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