Poppin’ Pills

Pills, pills, pills. Sigh. I take 5 different drugs throughout the day.

I take Synthroid in the morning for my hypothyroidism.

I also take Perindopril in the morning for my high blood pressure.

In the evening before bed, I take my ‘happy pills’; Lamotrigine, Rexulti and Trintellix.

I hate taking pills. It’s not a physical thing. I can swallow them just fine, I’ve never had a problem with that. I think I resent them, or I get too comfortable feeling well that I think I don’t need to take them.

The point of the pills is to make me feel well and once I do, I forget what it is like to be unwell, so I tend to start missing doses because one or here doesn’t really matter, does it? But it does.

When I start skipping medications, the result is nearly the same for every drug. I become fatigued and depressed. I get headaches. I can usually start to feel it within a couple of days of ‘forgetting’ to take my doses. Why would I put myself through that?

I think one piece of it is that I resent having to take drugs to be well. Why can’t I just be normal and produce the right hormones and chemicals? Why is it so easy for other people and not me? It’s my own assumption that everyone else is healthy that’s distorted. I know other people struggle and need to take medication to. Maybe I’m just wallowing in my own pity party.

I know better. I know the risks of not taking my medications. My grandmother and my dad both had/have high blood pressure, and each have had strokes. My grandmother died from a stroke. So, you would think that knowledge would be enough to keep me on the right path. And for the most part it does lately. Sometimes I legitimately forget. Sometimes I sit and glare at the bottles before begrudgingly going and taking them.

There’s also the stifling of anything creative. My bipolar meds are responsible for that. On the forums that I follow this is a common problem and a reason why many people quit taking the drugs. They love the highs when they’re super creative and productive. I admit, for the most part, manias are great. You feel good, you love everything, you have energy for days. The only downside is that you burn out, can’t sleep, have racing thoughts and in my case, my gums start buzzing. I don’t know if that particular symptom is common, but it happened recently and weirded me out.

Let’s not forget the mind fog that my bipolar meds cause. If Sherlock Holmes had a mind palace, I’ve got a rusted-out trailer in my head. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve had Covid but I have literally no short term memory. I don’t retain anything which is really making work difficult. Learning anything is an exercise in frustration at this point. Words escape me to. I literally don’t remember where I was going with this paragraph…

In any event. I find taking the pills hard. I think it’s a complex issue for me but I just have to keep hammering home the fact that I’ve been to really dark places and those medications keep me from revisiting them. The least that the pharmaceutical companies could do is make them fun shapes and colours. Little hearts or bears…oooh if they could make them gummy bears that would be even better!

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