Mascara and Eyebrows

Tuesday…

Ok so I didn’t exactly pop out of bed this morning but instead of hitting the snooze button three times, I only hit it twice. This is progress.

Even though I was crunched for time, I made the effort to moisturize my face, part of my new skin care routine. I promised myself I’d put on mascara, so I grabbed it and started to apply it to my little eyelashes. I’m out of practice so it looks clumpy but oh well. Taking it one step further, I grab my eyebrow pencil.

Menopause causes a lot of weird after-effects and thinning hair is one of them. I barely have eyebrows. So, I take the pencil and try my best to make it not too obvious that I’m basically drawing them on. 50-50 on whether or not it works.

They may be small acts of self-care but it helps to set the mood for the day. Hopeful.

I haven’t left myself much time to prep breakfast and lunch, so I throw in some strawberries and snap peas, looking longingly at the muffins on the counter. I zip into work and the morning slinks by uneventfully.

I run home at lunch to take the dog out for a walk. This counts as exercise so I decide to make the walk longer even though it’s biting cold outside, and the wind is whipping at my ears. We manage to get in 25 minutes, and I pop some cheese in my mouth as I walk out the door.

And then it happens.

I become possessed by a demon. I have enough time to hit Sobeys before I head back to work. I have enough time to get two egg salad sammiches, a Pepsi and a Caramilk bar. I shake my head and say no to myself, we aren’t doing that to ourselves, we’re being so good. And yet I find myself in the lane to go to Sobeys, not the one that will take me back to work. I need an exorcist.

I’m actually crying at this point. I am so weak. I wipe at my eyes and see that the mascara that I was so happy to apply this morning is smudging and running. Great, now I look like a fat trash panda. I sit in the parking lot and berate myself, finding myself sinking lower to the point where I am mentally exhausted. I wish I could say that at this point I just drive back to work but I didn’t. I was low and what brings me up is food so I trudged into the store and got my usual.

I inevitably inhale everything once I get back to work. Self-loathing ensues.

The rest of the day I’m in a black cloud mood. Irritable, angry with myself.

I have to stop being so hard on myself. I set my mind to do better on Wednesday. We’ll just keep building on the positives. We’ll add eye liner and eye shadow. We’ll build in time to make a proper lunch.

In the immortal words of Glennon Doyle, ‘We can do hard things.’.

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