Book Club

So, I may have ghosted my book club for about six months. I didn’t respond to group chats, didn’t attend the meet-ups and didn’t read the books. I suck.

I blame it on my medications and my depressive cycles.

The drugs that I’m on significantly reduce my desire to do anything, including reading. Where I was a voracious reader before, the bulk of my ‘reading’ comes from scrolling social media now. It’s pathetic and I hate it. Lots of people on the Bipolar support forum that I belong to complain of similar problems. Artists can’t create art, those with hobbies have lost interest. It’s a real thing and some people stop taking their medication altogether so that they can feel like they’re living as opposed to just existing on the meds.

When I’m in a depressive cycle I don’t want to be around anyone, I find it hard to be social. You feel like a black cloud, and you don’t want to infect anyone else with your mood. I could try faking it but I feel like people can sense that, that you’re not all there, that you’re looking for the first opportunity to leave.

But I did a thing! The ladies are meeting up tonigh to discuss the book they’ve been reading. I slowly dipped my toe into the water and responded in the group chat. I apologized for being so absent and asked if I could attend the meet-up. I wasn’t met with any resistance and for that I’m grateful. This is such an amazing group of women and being among them is exactly what my soul needs right now. Connection.

I momentarily felt bad that Sophia was going to have to fend for herself for supper, but I quickly put that to bed. I need this time for me, to feel fulfilled and to jump back into the land of the living. I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for myself so I’m going to go and enjoy the conversation, immerse myself in good food and great company.

I promise to read the next book.

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