World Bipolar Day

Today is World Bipolar Day, a day to raise awareness and hopefully some compassion for those living with this disorder. I was conflicted on what to write today, thinking that something inspirational was is order. How even though I have this condition, it doesn’t define who I am. But I’m going to be honest. It sucks.

The support group that I follow is split when asked if they would change having Bipolar. Half of them wouldn’t change things, saying that the highs that spur on creative streaks are worth the downs that follow. Others, like me, wish they never had it. Everyone has their own reasons.

Knowing that I could pass this down to the Bear is heartbreaking and although I have no control over it, I still feel immense guilt. I wouldn’t wish Bipolar on anyone.

Not knowing which Michelle is going to show up each day is stressful. Will I be balanced and regulated? Will I be super ‘up’ or start the descent into depression? It’s a rollercoaster that I am tired of riding.

Will my medications keep working? I’ve read a lot of comments in the support group where people have experienced a plateau with their drugs and start having severe symptoms again. That terrifies me. The moment I feel anxious I worry that my Trintellix isn’t working anymore.

I wish I didn’t have this disorder for the sake of all of my relationships. Being a good friend, mother and spouse isn’t always easy for me. Riding highs and lows can be exhausting and overwhelming for everyone. When I’m depressed I feel like time is stolen, precious time with my loved ones. I know that they feel it to. It affects everything in the house.

So today is World Bipolar Day. Be kind to those who are experiencing mental health illness. Heck, just be kind to everyone.

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